The World's Worst Critic
Lately, the world feels as if it has gone all helter skelter. What was up is now down, left is right, I think I even saw the sun attempt to rise in the West..... I do jest, but after a particularly hard day, which we all have, I was brushing my teeth getting ready for bed and I was looking in the mirror. I almost didn't recognize the woman standing there. Somehow white hairs have begun to creep back in, and the wrinkles on my face seemed a bit deeper than the last time I looked... and was that... na... Then I realized I had been emotionally beating myself up in the same manner the past several weeks over several decisions I made last year.
A year ago, I left my spouse of 13 years. We tried; oh the great maker knows we tried! We lied to each other that everything would be okay. We lied to our kids that ‘no, everything is fine between mommy and daddy'. But worst of all, we lied to ourselves. We lied to protect our inner ego, from wanting to admit that we just weren't made for each other anymore. We both had grown - job changes, schooling, life experiences - this all caused changes, even if we didn't want to admit that we were different people than when we first started officially dating in late 1998. We kept trying to live our lives and the lives of our children on the lie that we were just fine. We had been discussing breaking up for over a month. I kept hesitating to bring it up, but I knew that I was no longer happy there and it felt like each time I opened my mouth a lie came out of it to protect the peace and sanctity of the house... and I was miserable, so very miserable. It translated to my regular full time job as well. I hated it; even though it was doing what I went to school to do (I was a retail manager attempting to put my Bachelors of Business Management degree to use). This night, one year ago, was the worst fight we ever had. I felt so defeated afterwards. Emotionally and physically exhausted. I realized that the marriage had truly ended several years ago and that the past five years had been a giant lie: to us, to our children, to our families, to our friends, and to society. I had no fight left in me. I made the decision after that fight was over that I would be leaving my spouse with my children that weekend. No more discussions. No more lies. No more false promises. Time to leave and make a change.
Now, I know what you must be thinking... "Oh, she's lonely now, regretting her decision.... realized she was never going to find someone as good as him... she shouldn't have left him to begin with..." Nope. This was a decision that needed to happen. We were toxic to each other and that toxicity was spilling over on to our two boys. Nope, I'm not lonely either. I was then free'd from the confines of a self-strangulating relationship to find someone who does make me happy... and oddly, he had been for a while... we just didn't completely realize it till much later in the year that we had found our 'twin flame'.... but that is for another blog ;)
Back to decisions and the worst critic.....
Another decision I made was to stop working as a manager, get my CDL, be a professional truck driver and start training to be a Terminal Manager. I did what some parents may view as the unthinkable: I left my 12 and 18 year old sons home alone to go get my CDL. Longest 10 weeks of everyone's lives! But it was a learning experience... for everyone. My oldest proved to EVERYONE that his is VERY capable of many things. My youngest proved to HIMSELF that YES HE CAN! Will I go back to it? Nope, not until I have a truly empty nest.... maybe. None of us knew that the oil industry would bless the public with low gas prices, which means the oil fields reduced production, which means the company I went to work for - had no work. They negated on the training to be a terminal manager and wanted me to just drive truck. In hindsight, probably not the wisest decision I have ever made financially, but it was still a lesson.
Now I am struggling to find work, the same as 7 million other Americans. I am seriously considering returning to school to get a Master's Degree in Education. While driving truck I finished a Master's in Theology Degree that only has meaning to that particular group. Don't get me wrong, I worked hard for that certificate, but the credits don't transfer to any other institution and it has no real world value in the job market. As I started to tell family and friends, the response has been very positive for the most part... with many of them startled by the fact that I am not already a licensed teacher and teaching school.
But this past week has been very difficult for me. I have been struggling emotionally, which is only natural considering the position I am in.... right next to 7 million other people. In my mind, I kept hearing all the negative that is happening.... so while I was standing there looking at myself in the mirror, critiquing my appearance, I realized that my ex wasn't my worst critic. My mom wasn't, my kids weren’t, previous employers, that strange guy down at the laundromat <shudders>. No, my world's worst critic was me. While I had vowed to stop lying to my children, family and friends about how my life was going.... I forgot to tell myself to stop being so hard on myself. Stop lying to yourself. Life isn't ALL bad. Those white hairs? That's not age creeping in, that wisdom sprouting out. Those wrinkles? Not stress but lines gotten deeper from laughter once again. That other thing? It wasn't even on my face. There was 'dirt' of some sort on the mirror distorting my image. The critic I needed to stop listening to was myself. I need to start listening to that fighter of cancer, the emotional supporter of so many other people, the heroine that keeps going no matter what that my friend Andrea loves so much.... that is the woman I needed to find looking back at me. The woman who doesn't stay knocked down, but gets up with fists at the ready to sock it back to the world.
So the next time you are feeling down... go look in the mirror and tell the World's Worst Critic to 'Shut the hell up, I am perfect just the way I am! I am FABULOUS that I survived another day and tomorrow am going to be magnificent because the sun is still going to rise in the East.... even if we can't see it, it is still there and so will I!'
